Ha, a friend of mine, Joe Malinowski, used the word “Masturbation” in a post title and it blew up… what a bunch of freaks you are. I had been kicking around the idea for this post for a while and the title Social Media Masturbation actually seemed appropriate, so I stole it from Joe.

So, you’re at a networking event with friends, having a wonderful time. There are jokes, quality banter,  laughter, and occasional insider info shared that only years of bonding together at these events can bring.

A stranger awkwardly stands behind you, as if wanting to be part of your conversation.

He seems familiar – you think you know him from somewhere, but have never met until now. Being a good networker, you invite him into your circle of connections and strike up a chat.

But he doesn’t seem to be interested in answering any of your questions, or listening to a word you or your friends are saying. All he does is talk about himself and his business, like some kind of robot.

It’s about this time that you’ll politely ignore that person for the rest of the event – and, if you’re lucky, the rest of your life.

And yet, most businesses are approaching social media with the exact same finesse. I think whoever coined the term “Social Media” has done us all a disservice.

Why? Because businesses tend to focus only on the ‘media’ part, and completely ignore the ‘social’ part. It’s become all ‘transactional’, and not enough about relationships.

For example, I often hear business owners ask how they can build up a large social media following so they can blast out more coupons and offers (just in case their target customers didn’t see the TV ads, direct mailers, websites, text messages, or e-mails).

Not only that, they want the communication to be one-way: they don’t actually want to respond back to customers (“just drive them to our website!”). To them, it’s just another media channel like all the others.

There may be a sense of déjà vu for many industry veterans, as ‘customer interaction’ was a war-cry of the early dot-com days. Social media should be a natural extension of that, so why have the lessons not been learned? In truth, social media is probably more the love child of Public Relations and the Internet, a fluid mixture of influencing conversation and the interactive Internet.

So there are some lessons learned that should apply if you want to use social media effectively. Here are five very basic concepts to get you going:

1) Listen. Before you even start talking, have you taken the time to understand what the conversations are about? Do you understand the setting, the context, and what is appropriate for the situation? If so, then…

2) Respond. Having a social media presence is not the same as a billboard or TV commercial; you are actually expected to be “social”. You may not always have all the answers, but at least giving genuine acknowledgment is a start. Which leads to…

3) Being human. Businesses are easy to hate: large, faceless corporations that care only about money. Humans however, have thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, hopes, and desires, and form communities around those. Humans also make mistakes – and they can be forgiven when acknowledged. Your behavior online determines what you are. To be more human, you should…

4) Have something interesting to say. Yes, I know, a business in a social media setting can only mean one thing – they’re here to sell something. That’s understood, and accepted. But it’s the way you go about it that determines if I want to buy from you or not. If your social media presence is the equivalent of talking to an automated phone system, or something I can already get from your e-mail newsletters, then I have no need to follow your social media presence. Here’s a clue though – people who do follow you are probably interested in the category of products or services you sell. Surely you have something interesting to say about your industry? If so, great! You should…

5) Share. Every company wants a viral campaign (usually because it’s the code word for maximum reach with lowest cost). But there is a simple word that lies at the heart of every great viral campaign: ‘kudos’. It’s the currency of the social world – whoever finds the coolest, funniest, most interesting information first and shares it gets credit for it. So don’t hoard information – make it interesting and set it free.

As a final word, not everyone goes from wallflower to life-of-the-party overnight. It takes is a lot of practice and a genuine love of conversation with others. If that doesn’t sound like you…well, there’s nothing wrong with hiding behind your computer and doing it.